i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
