Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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