If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
