Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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