Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
