how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
