Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
