i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
