I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
