If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
why do cheetos always look like penises
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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