I wish I could teleport
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
