I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I wish life had little blips of pornography
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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