Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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