I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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