Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
