me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
