I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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