she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
