apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
