You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
