just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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