Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
