I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
