the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
