i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
