so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
