Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
