My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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