I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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