When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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