If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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