she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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