Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
