I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
being pregnant is like rehab
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
