the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
