this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
