I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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