We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
