He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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