I just cut my nipple shaving
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize