Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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