I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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