but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
