oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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