proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
