And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
