the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
