So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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