He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
