Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
