i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
