I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
