So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
