can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
