how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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