Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
