Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
